Thursday, June 25, 2009


Today... I've never felt more alone in my life. Not because I wasn't surrounded by people...I was. I couldn't get out of my head today. I couldn't stop thinking about you...and what should have been. I should of been holding you for the first time today. I should have been nervous and excited as I held you for the first time...not knowing if you would grow up and like me or not. But I know you would have. I had the same feeling with Aidan. I remember holding him and him crying and not knowing what to do...thinking he didn't like me because he was crying. But eventually I was comfortable around him and he felt that...and we bonded. I remember thinking to myself...if I can feel THIS much love for my nephew...I can't even imagine how much I will feel for my own baby. And I'm still not sure what that will feel like...or if I will ever feel it. But I know I feel the same way about you...even though I never got to hold you as you were crying. I was still nervous the first time I held you. I feel so bad, now. I remember sitting in that cold, silent room waiting for your mommy and daddy to bring you in there so we could meet you. I remember going to the bathroom so many times...and saying to myself... I can do this...I have to be strong for my sister. I'm sad to say...but I was scared of you. I didn't know what you would look like, or how I would react. But you were perfect. I was shaking so bad. I remember everyone got to hold you and I kept edging backward. I don't remember who asked me if I wanted to hold you...but I remember I said...not yet. I was shaking so bad and I didn't want to drop you. I wish I would have said yes. I got to hold you later...when I was ready, but I never should have said no. Because that's all I want to do hold you. And I don't know if this is normal or healthy to have this much pain for someone that's not my baby...because I feel guilty. Guilty and selfish. Mainly because it's all I can think about...all the things I don't get to do with you. I feel selfish because I feel sorry for myself. Don't get me wrong...I feel sorry for everyone right now. But everyone has somebody but me. I found this poem I wrote a few years ago as I was paging through an old journal...this is what I hold onto.

Psalm 46:10

10 "Be still, and know that I am God;

I Am...

on't turn your back on me
Not even when all hope is shattered
When you are crying, in pain

I am there

I am there cradling your weak body
ling it with hope
Giving you another day

Even when you're at the end of your rope

I will never stop loving you
Even when you are alone
Not sure of what tomorrow will bring
I am there whispering in your ear "the emptiness will soon be gone"

Don't ever give up on me
For I will always be there

Telling you "I love you" a million times
Wishing that you cared

And you can fall a thousand times
And then a thous
and more
I will still be there at the bottom
Waiting to catch you and mend your core

I am the tears you cry
I am the reason you are here

I am the mountains you dream of

When all you have is fear

I am God when you are happy
I am Go
d when you have lost hope
I am a God that will a
lways love you
I will forever be your rescue boa

Donna 7/9/06

1 comment:

  1. Don't feel guilty or selfish. We'll all always think of the what could have beens and all that we will miss out on with her. Believe me, I think of all of those things every day. Her first words, steps, heartbreak, etc. We just have to believe that He had a reason for taking her into His arms and not leaving her in ours. I never realized how religious I could be until such a tragedy happened directly to me, but we have to trust in Him. Sometimes it doesn't feel as if it is fair, but during times like this is when our faith is tested. As long as we remain faithful and trust in Him, we will eventually see her again.

    Love ya sis,