Alone

Today... I've never felt more alone in my life. Not because I wasn't surrounded by people...I was. I couldn't get out of my head today. I couldn't stop thinking about you...and what should have been. I should of been holding you for the first time today. I should have been nervous and excited as I held you for the first time...not knowing if you would grow up and like me or not. But I know you would have. I had the same feeling with Aidan. I remember holding him and him crying and not knowing what to do...thinking he didn't like me because he was crying. But eventually I was comfortable around him and he felt that...and we bonded. I remember thinking to myself...if I can feel THIS much love for my nephew...I can't even imagine how much I will feel for my own baby. And I'm still not sure what that will feel like...or if I will ever feel it. But I know I feel the same way about you...even though I never got to hold you as you were crying. I was still nervous the first time I held you. I feel so bad, now. I remember sitting in that cold, silent room waiting for your mommy and daddy to bring you in there so we could meet you. I remember going to the bathroom so many times...and saying to myself... I can do this...I have to be strong for my sister. I'm sad to say...but I was scared of you. I didn't know what you would look like, or how I would react. But you were perfect. I was shaking so bad. I remember everyone got to hold you and I kept edging backward. I don't remember who asked me if I wanted to hold you...but I remember I said...not yet. I was shaking so bad and I didn't want to drop you. I wish I would have said yes. I got to hold you later...when I was ready, but I never should have said no. Because that's all I want to do tonight...is hold you. And I don't know if this is normal or healthy to have this much pain for someone that's not my baby...because I feel guilty. Guilty and selfish. Mainly because it's all I can think about...all the things I don't get to do with you. I feel selfish because I feel sorry for myself. Don't get me wrong...I feel sorry for everyone right now. But everyone has somebody but me. I found this poem I wrote a few years ago as I was paging through an old journal...this is what I hold onto.

Psalm 46:10

¹⁰ "Be still, and know that I am God;





I Am...


Don't turn your back on me
Not even when all hope is shattered
When you are crying, in pain
I am there

I am there cradling your weak body
Filling it with hope
Giving you another day
Even when you're at the end of your rope

I will never stop loving you
Even when you are alone
Not sure of what tomorrow will bring
I am there whispering in your ear "the emptiness will soon be gone"

Don't ever give up on me
For I will always be there
Telling you "I love you" a million times
Wishing that you cared

And you can fall a thousand times
And then a thousand more
I will still be there at the bottom
Waiting to catch you and mend your core

I am the tears you cry
I am the reason you are here
I am the mountains you dream of
When all you have is fear

I am God when you are happy
I am God when you have lost hope
I am a God that will always love you
I will forever be your rescue boat

Donna 7/9/06