Monday, October 5, 2009
In the past few years I've lost a lot of people. Through death and through "losing touch" (such a corny phrase). And not all the kind of "good death". AKA lived a long life and were old. Aunt Gloria was brutally murdered and I didn't even get see what the color of my beautiful niece Reagans eyes were. Not fair. No first words, hugs, kisses, snuggling, no life at all. Just thoughts of what might have been...which are the cruelest thoughts of all.
And In regards to Reagan I've accumulated even more anger. Stupid anger that doesn't make any sense at all. I HATE IHOP. Wanna know why? Joey invited us to the ultrasound when we found out what Reagan was and afterward we went and ate IHOP. That should be a positive memory and I fucking hate IHOP now. I hate seeing the sign, commercials, anything about it. I hate going to every fucking store and going past isles and isles of racks that are infested with pink clothes. I hate my dreams that constantly have babies in them. I hate hearing about peoples babies. That one hurts me a lot. I should be happy for other people but in all reality I'm not. I don't wish their baby died but I don't want to hear about them, either.
I'm angry about being angry.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
10 "Be still, and know that I am God;
Don't turn your back on me
Not even when all hope is shattered
When you are crying, in pain
I am there
I am there cradling your weak body
Filling it with hope
Giving you another day
Even when you're at the end of your rope
I will never stop loving you
Even when you are alone
Not sure of what tomorrow will bring
I am there whispering in your ear "the emptiness will soon be gone"
Don't ever give up on me
For I will always be there
Telling you "I love you" a million times
Wishing that you cared
And you can fall a thousand times
And then a thousand more
I will still be there at the bottom
Waiting to catch you and mend your core
I am the tears you cry
I am the reason you are here
I am the mountains you dream of
When all you have is fear
I am God when you are happy
I am God when you have lost hope
I am a God that will always love you
I will forever be your rescue boat
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Getting phased out. It might seem like the "nice" way of doing things. But in reality I would rather the bandaid be ripped off fast. It's humiliating and disrespectful and shows that you have no class. I can do better...and will. Very soon. And you're welcome because you never even said Thank You.
"Worry compounds the futility of being trapped on a dead-end street. Thinking opens new avenues". Cullen Hightower
“The greatest humiliation in life, is to work hard on something from which you expect great appreciation, and then fail to get it”. Edgar Watson Howe
“Character is that which reveals moral purpose, exposing the class of things a man chooses or avoids”. Aristotle
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
I visited you today. I had a Dr's appointment and afterward realized I was right by you so I had to come see you. For some reason I got scared and nervous the closer I got. I know it sounds absurd, but I don’t want you to be alone. I realize it’s not really you there. You’re already gone. But I’m glad Grandpa and Grandma Finch are close by. It had to be fate that you landed up there, surrounded by people that will protect and love you like we would/do. I had to smile when I approached you. Maw maw’s beautiful flower cross that she picked out for you and was so proud of was there. But then I saw the little hole they had to dig for you. That tore my heart. I wanted to scream out that this wasn't fair. I’m glad no one was around because I cried so hard for you. All I can think about are things that I don’t get to see you do and how I want to hold you so bad.
Your mom had a great idea today. She asked me to take some of your flowers to where I work to give to some residents that don’t get visited much. A few weeks ago I saw one of the residents looking out the front door at the visitors that had come to see their loved ones. When she was wheeling away I saw tears in her eyes and my heart broke for her. I took one of your beautiful pink roses to her and she smiled so big. Also, I have gotten close to another woman and she has been in a lot of pain lately. I took a huge arrangement to her. She almost cried she was so happy. By the time dinner came around I think she told everyone in the nursing home about the flowers. Your love is touching people and that makes me so proud to call you my niece.
Friday, June 5, 2009
"Some people only dream of Angels...but I got to hold one in my arms".
Sunday, May 10, 2009
“The size of your success is measured by the strength of your desire; the size of your dream; and how you handle disappointment along the way.”---Robert Kiyosaki
Saturday, March 28, 2009
"Gratitude on a daily basis means we express appreciation for what we have now without qualification for what we had in the past or desire in the future."-- Bishop Robert D. Hales
Even though I complain and don't always seem grateful...I am...
Monday, March 16, 2009
Onto happier things...
I got to work today and they had a "schedule" made up for me. WTH? My hours got cut and I don't know what I'm going to do. I was already in the process of looking for a second job...but now I really need one. Really. If I told you how much money I owe right now...you wouldn't believe me. I'm contemplating taking the CNA course over the summer. At least I could make a little more money and have reliable hours. But I know I wouldn't be happy. Ugh. What to do...what to do?
Onto happier things...for real this time...
I'll be getting a baby niece some time in late June/early July...which is exciting. I can't wait to spoil her and love her! I just hope Aidan doesn't get jealous/resentful.
In the spirit of it being 3/16...
"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."
– John 3:16
And let us pray that tomorrow is better than today...
Sunday, March 15, 2009
I was going through some old poems on my lap top tonight and found some that reflected a lot of relevance to my last post. I rarely share poems that aren't ambiguous...so you should feel special. I've definitely realized that looking back hurts. I never realized the depth of some of the pain that I have felt in the past...I almost want to go back in time and shake the old me and tell myself that it's going to be alright...
Putting myself in situations
Never learning from the past
Feeding my core with lies and toxins
Never letting the happiness last
These are the motions I go through
Coming at me like waves
They crash down hard on me
Making my chest heavy and concaved
The weight is a constant burden
And a reminder of all my mistakes
As the load gets heavier
I wonder how much more I can take
Another blurry night
Another morning filled with doubt
I have built this self-perpetuating hell
And I want to get out
But I don’t have the tools
And the work is so hard
It’s easier to take the easy way out
Rather than move forward
So the cycle will repeat
And time will stand still
In living in the past
I will live a life
Not lived at all
The past is gone
but the memories stick
Im no longer the same person
Yet I revert to the old me quick
I go back to that time
when I was vulnerable and lost
with the eyes of a child
looking for acceptance at any cost
numbing any pain
with solitude and false love
never getting to the problem
always acting tough
putting up the barriers
knocking down myself
when the truth isn’t even enough
nothing is going to help
the present is hard
the past hurts
the future seems uncertain
And I don’t know which one is worse
Paranoia runs ramped
Out into the streets
Where you gonna run to
When everyone leaves
The lights are off
But everybody’s home
Disengaged from reality
You’re all alone
The box gets smaller
You can no longer move
The links are severed
What else is there to lose?
You’re in a place so dark
That you forget about light
Everything is closed in
You’ve lost your sight
So caught up in the past
You’re forever ashamed
So caught up in the future
You’ll never change
Never enough to suffice
No satisfaction to hold
Threw it all away
So detached, angry and cold
The burden burns the wounds
All packed with bitterness and lies
You crack me with your addiction
So presumptuous and alive
The temptation of the easy road
Repeats in my weak mind
Old habits never die
Positives and negatives eternally bind
The lesson never learned
The stove never too hot
The hole never deep enough
The times remembered not
Rewind to do it again
Better than the time before
Fall back into place where you were yesterday
What are you waiting for
Saturday, March 14, 2009
"Since time is the one immaterial object which we cannot influence--neither speed up nor slow down, add to nor diminish--it is an imponderably valuable gift.”
“Slow down and enjoy life. It's not only the scenery you miss by going to fast - you also miss the sense of where you are going and why.”
"Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity. "
---Henry Van Dyke
“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”
“You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future”
“Time heals what reason cannot”
For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.
"Events in our lives happen in a sequence in time, but in their significance to ourselves they find their own order the continuous thread of revelation."
"Reality is a question of perspective; the further you get from the past, the more concrete and plausible it seems -- but as you approach the present, it inevitably seems incredible."
"It's a strange thing, but when you are dreading something, and would give anything to slow down time, it has a disobliging habit of speeding up."
"The time you think you're missing, misses you too."
"An unhurried sense of time is in itself a form of wealth."
"If we take care of the moments, the years will take care of themselves. "
"Regret for wasted time is more wasted time. "
"Never let yesterday use up today."
--- Richard H. Nelson