Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Hope is the thing with feathers...

Last October when I got hired on at my current job I was so excited! It felt like a "grown up" job and I got to go shopping and buy "dress up" clothes and it felt good. It felt like my life was turning around and I was finally catching a break. I felt important. All my life I've tried to do right and be nice, all the time. Smile through the anger. But what has it gotten me? Not much. I found out my job was a lie. Created out of convenience. Once again...knocked down on my ass again...only to be discouraged and let down. Again. I remember when it started to feel like it was changing. All my life I have had to be cautiously optimistic just for this reason. I had a bad feeling I was going to be "phased out". And after a month or so after getting that feeling...guess what happened? I got phased out. On "Administrative Professionals Day" the other two ladies in the office got flowers. Guess what I got? Yep...nothing. What a blatant slap in the face. Another friend of mine got to show of her beautiful...HUGE flowers...and I got to tell a story to them about how I'm never appreciated. The way I got phased out was epic. I got the choice to move to another department...but it turns out it really wasn't a choice at all. A little birdie told me soon after that if I hadn't accepted the other job I would have been fired. Now I'm left working with people 8 years younger than me and feeling like an idiot. Back where I started when I was 16. And the really hard part is there are other people that are the same age as me there that are LPN's. And what am I? Nothing. I don't even know what the abbreviations stand for that make up my "job title". I'm jealous, resentful, and angry and I hate the person I'm becoming. Every time I go into work and get asked "how are you doing"...I have to bite my tongue and say "OK"... when really I want to say "I hate my life...but other than that...I'm fine.

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