Word...

Getting phased out. It might seem like the "nice" way of doing things. But in reality I would rather the bandaid be ripped off fast. It's humiliating and disrespectful and shows that you have no class. I can do better...and will. Very soon. And you're welcome because you never even said Thank You.


"Worry compounds the futility of being trapped on a dead-end street. Thinking opens new avenues". Cullen Hightower

“The greatest humiliation in life, is to work hard on something from which you expect great appreciation, and then fail to get it”. Edgar Watson Howe

“Character is that which reveals moral purpose, exposing the class of things a man chooses or avoids”. Aristotle

I visited you today. I had a Dr's appointment and afterward realized I was right by you so I had to come see you. For some reason I got scared and nervous the closer I got. I know it sounds absurd, but I don’t want you to be alone. I realize it’s not really you there. You’re already gone. But I’m glad Grandpa and Grandma Finch are close by. It had to be fate that you landed up there, surrounded by people that will protect and love you like we would/do. I had to smile when I approached you. Maw maw’s beautiful flower cross that she picked out for you and was so proud of was there. But then I saw the little hole they had to dig for you. That tore my heart. I wanted to scream out that this wasn't fair. I’m glad no one was around because I cried so hard for you. All I can think about are things that I don’t get to see you do and how I want to hold you so bad.

Your mom had a great idea today. She asked me to take some of your flowers to where I work to give to some residents that don’t get visited much. A few weeks ago I saw one of the residents looking out the front door at the visitors that had come to see their loved ones. When she was wheeling away I saw tears in her eyes and my heart broke for her. I took one of your beautiful pink roses to her and she smiled so big. Also, I have gotten close to another woman and she has been in a lot of pain lately. I took a huge arrangement to her. She almost cried she was so happy. By the time dinner came around I think she told everyone in the nursing home about the flowers. Your love is touching people and that makes me so proud to call you my niece.

There's so much that I feel like I need to GET OUT of my head. Yes, it is making me not sleep, not be able to focus and not be "Donna". But that's not necessarily why I want to get it out. I'm usually a private person, but I feel like I need to share this with everyone. I don't want to ever forget this, or her. And I don't want anyone to not know she existed. Most of you know my sister Joey lost her precious baby Reagan last week, and had a c-section on June 2nd. Normally the first thing I would do is be angry with God. Granted, I am confused and have many questions for him...for some reason, I'm not angry. I was reading a mothers blog about losing her son to stillbirth at 40 weeks gestation and what she said hit me hard. She said something to the effect of it wasn't the worst day of her life because she got to hold her baby boy for the first time and meet him. That's kind of how I feel. Don't get me wrong, I'm immensely sad and wish so many things about her (but that's another post). I hurt for my sister Joey and my brother in law Chris, who are being incredibly strong and brave. I hurt for everyone that hurts and wish I could take their pain away and carry it myself so they didn't have to. But, I'm eternally grateful that I got to meet Reagan. I got to spend 3 hours with her. I got to hold her, touch her beautiful face, feel the bottom of her feet that felt softer than velvet, and take pictures of her that will last a lifetime. I never got to see her alive, but I will never forget her and the way she has impacted our family. Thank you, Reagan. One day I will get to see you again. I will get to hug you and tell you all the things that you heard up in Heaven that I didn't get to tell you face to face. That's what I hold on to and can't wait for.


"Some people only dream of Angels...but I got to hold one in my arms".

Because I'm Bored...

24

Last Saturday was my 24th Birthday. I had fun but in the back of my mind I was disappointed. I remember when I was younger and had a crazy time line type thing in my head. I remember Daren and I playing...we were maybe 10 or 11. We were talking about how it was so cool that in X amount of years we could drive (then it seemed a hundred years away), and then X amount of years and we could buy cigarettes(never did that), and college(I've taken so many classes ...I should have my doctorate degree)...and so forth. Last Saturday all I could think about was...I'm 24 years OLD and I have accomplished exactly zero in my life. I dream big things...then rarely follow through. This Isn't a pity post...just kind of an "ah-ha" moment that just happens to be depressing lol. I'm scared of failing and scared of succeeding. Is there a pill I can take for that?

“The size of your success is measured by the strength of your desire; the size of your dream; and how you handle disappointment along the way.”

---Robert Kiyosaki

Not much to say...just figured it was useless to have a blog if I don't "write" in it lol. Life has been pretty boring lately. A lot of wasted time on facebook, watching TV and too much time left over devoted to thinking. Thinking is overrated. Hopefully tonight will be a nice change of scenary...

"Gratitude on a daily basis means we express appreciation for what we have now without qualification for what we had in the past or desire in the future."-- Bishop Robert D. Hales

Even though I complain and don't always seem grateful...I am...

Stupid, Stupid, STUPID...

I can't really disclose everything in here b/c the world doesn't need to know my personal woes. For those of you that are around me a lot...you probably will know what I'm talking about. Just not the entirety of it. I'm disappointed/not happy with the outcome of something I did recently and am really kicking myself in the ass about it. I know if I didn't do it, I would be just as unhappy...so really...it's a double-edged sword. Also, it was an impulse and I should have thought about it longer.

Onto happier things...

I got to work today and they had a "schedule" made up for me. WTH? My hours got cut and I don't know what I'm going to do. I was already in the process of looking for a second job...but now I really need one. Really. If I told you how much money I owe right now...you wouldn't believe me. I'm contemplating taking the CNA course over the summer. At least I could make a little more money and have reliable hours. But I know I wouldn't be happy. Ugh. What to do...what to do?

Onto happier things...for real this time...

I'll be getting a baby niece some time in late June/early July...which is exciting. I can't wait to spoil her and love her! I just hope Aidan doesn't get jealous/resentful.

In the spirit of it being 3/16...

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."
– John 3:16

And let us pray that tomorrow is better than today...