Alone

Today... I've never felt more alone in my life. Not because I wasn't surrounded by people...I was. I couldn't get out of my head today. I couldn't stop thinking about you...and what should have been. I should of been holding you for the first time today. I should have been nervous and excited as I held you for the first time...not knowing if you would grow up and like me or not. But I know you would have. I had the same feeling with Aidan. I remember holding him and him crying and not knowing what to do...thinking he didn't like me because he was crying. But eventually I was comfortable around him and he felt that...and we bonded. I remember thinking to myself...if I can feel THIS much love for my nephew...I can't even imagine how much I will feel for my own baby. And I'm still not sure what that will feel like...or if I will ever feel it. But I know I feel the same way about you...even though I never got to hold you as you were crying. I was still nervous the first time I held you. I feel so bad, now. I remember sitting in that cold, silent room waiting for your mommy and daddy to bring you in there so we could meet you. I remember going to the bathroom so many times...and saying to myself... I can do this...I have to be strong for my sister. I'm sad to say...but I was scared of you. I didn't know what you would look like, or how I would react. But you were perfect. I was shaking so bad. I remember everyone got to hold you and I kept edging backward. I don't remember who asked me if I wanted to hold you...but I remember I said...not yet. I was shaking so bad and I didn't want to drop you. I wish I would have said yes. I got to hold you later...when I was ready, but I never should have said no. Because that's all I want to do tonight...is hold you. And I don't know if this is normal or healthy to have this much pain for someone that's not my baby...because I feel guilty. Guilty and selfish. Mainly because it's all I can think about...all the things I don't get to do with you. I feel selfish because I feel sorry for myself. Don't get me wrong...I feel sorry for everyone right now. But everyone has somebody but me. I found this poem I wrote a few years ago as I was paging through an old journal...this is what I hold onto.

Psalm 46:10

¹⁰ "Be still, and know that I am God;





I Am...


Don't turn your back on me
Not even when all hope is shattered
When you are crying, in pain
I am there

I am there cradling your weak body
Filling it with hope
Giving you another day
Even when you're at the end of your rope

I will never stop loving you
Even when you are alone
Not sure of what tomorrow will bring
I am there whispering in your ear "the emptiness will soon be gone"

Don't ever give up on me
For I will always be there
Telling you "I love you" a million times
Wishing that you cared

And you can fall a thousand times
And then a thousand more
I will still be there at the bottom
Waiting to catch you and mend your core

I am the tears you cry
I am the reason you are here
I am the mountains you dream of
When all you have is fear

I am God when you are happy
I am God when you have lost hope
I am a God that will always love you
I will forever be your rescue boat

Donna 7/9/06

Word...

Getting phased out. It might seem like the "nice" way of doing things. But in reality I would rather the bandaid be ripped off fast. It's humiliating and disrespectful and shows that you have no class. I can do better...and will. Very soon. And you're welcome because you never even said Thank You.


"Worry compounds the futility of being trapped on a dead-end street. Thinking opens new avenues". Cullen Hightower

“The greatest humiliation in life, is to work hard on something from which you expect great appreciation, and then fail to get it”. Edgar Watson Howe

“Character is that which reveals moral purpose, exposing the class of things a man chooses or avoids”. Aristotle

I visited you today. I had a Dr's appointment and afterward realized I was right by you so I had to come see you. For some reason I got scared and nervous the closer I got. I know it sounds absurd, but I don’t want you to be alone. I realize it’s not really you there. You’re already gone. But I’m glad Grandpa and Grandma Finch are close by. It had to be fate that you landed up there, surrounded by people that will protect and love you like we would/do. I had to smile when I approached you. Maw maw’s beautiful flower cross that she picked out for you and was so proud of was there. But then I saw the little hole they had to dig for you. That tore my heart. I wanted to scream out that this wasn't fair. I’m glad no one was around because I cried so hard for you. All I can think about are things that I don’t get to see you do and how I want to hold you so bad.

Your mom had a great idea today. She asked me to take some of your flowers to where I work to give to some residents that don’t get visited much. A few weeks ago I saw one of the residents looking out the front door at the visitors that had come to see their loved ones. When she was wheeling away I saw tears in her eyes and my heart broke for her. I took one of your beautiful pink roses to her and she smiled so big. Also, I have gotten close to another woman and she has been in a lot of pain lately. I took a huge arrangement to her. She almost cried she was so happy. By the time dinner came around I think she told everyone in the nursing home about the flowers. Your love is touching people and that makes me so proud to call you my niece.

There's so much that I feel like I need to GET OUT of my head. Yes, it is making me not sleep, not be able to focus and not be "Donna". But that's not necessarily why I want to get it out. I'm usually a private person, but I feel like I need to share this with everyone. I don't want to ever forget this, or her. And I don't want anyone to not know she existed. Most of you know my sister Joey lost her precious baby Reagan last week, and had a c-section on June 2nd. Normally the first thing I would do is be angry with God. Granted, I am confused and have many questions for him...for some reason, I'm not angry. I was reading a mothers blog about losing her son to stillbirth at 40 weeks gestation and what she said hit me hard. She said something to the effect of it wasn't the worst day of her life because she got to hold her baby boy for the first time and meet him. That's kind of how I feel. Don't get me wrong, I'm immensely sad and wish so many things about her (but that's another post). I hurt for my sister Joey and my brother in law Chris, who are being incredibly strong and brave. I hurt for everyone that hurts and wish I could take their pain away and carry it myself so they didn't have to. But, I'm eternally grateful that I got to meet Reagan. I got to spend 3 hours with her. I got to hold her, touch her beautiful face, feel the bottom of her feet that felt softer than velvet, and take pictures of her that will last a lifetime. I never got to see her alive, but I will never forget her and the way she has impacted our family. Thank you, Reagan. One day I will get to see you again. I will get to hug you and tell you all the things that you heard up in Heaven that I didn't get to tell you face to face. That's what I hold on to and can't wait for.


"Some people only dream of Angels...but I got to hold one in my arms".