Anger

In the past few years it seems like the anger I hold just keeps getting bigger and scarier. I hold so much anger that sometimes I don't even know how I function without breaking. It's not that "I'm going to break your fucking face" kind of angry. More like angry at life and the things I've had to go through. Even just saying that I feel guilty. Compared to a lot of people I have a pretty lush life. But it is MY anger and if I want to feel sorry for myself...I will. I'm not going to bring anyone else down but myself...so why not? I've written countless poems about ambiguous anger, blunt anger, sad anger...every form of anger. I hate that I have this much anger. I hate emotions, I hate showing them, and I hate feeling this weak. But in all honesty, I'm broken. Most days I wake up and I don't know who I am or who I want to be. I feel like I have to be present for people so I don't make them uncomfortable and so I don't have to explain anything. I try and listen to people when they talk to me but most of the time I'm somewhere else.

In the past few years I've lost a lot of people. Through death and through "losing touch" (such a corny phrase). And not all the kind of "good death". AKA lived a long life and were old. Aunt Gloria was brutally murdered and I didn't even get see what the color of my beautiful niece Reagans eyes were. Not fair. No first words, hugs, kisses, snuggling, no life at all. Just thoughts of what might have been...which are the cruelest thoughts of all.

And In regards to Reagan I've accumulated even more anger. Stupid anger that doesn't make any sense at all. I HATE IHOP. Wanna know why? Joey invited us to the ultrasound when we found out what Reagan was and afterward we went and ate IHOP. That should be a positive memory and I fucking hate IHOP now. I hate seeing the sign, commercials, anything about it. I hate going to every fucking store and going past isles and isles of racks that are infested with pink clothes. I hate my dreams that constantly have babies in them. I hate hearing about peoples babies. That one hurts me a lot. I should be happy for other people but in all reality I'm not. I don't wish their baby died but I don't want to hear about them, either.

I'm angry about being angry.

Hope is the thing with feathers...

Last October when I got hired on at my current job I was so excited! It felt like a "grown up" job and I got to go shopping and buy "dress up" clothes and it felt good. It felt like my life was turning around and I was finally catching a break. I felt important. All my life I've tried to do right and be nice, all the time. Smile through the anger. But what has it gotten me? Not much. I found out my job was a lie. Created out of convenience. Once again...knocked down on my ass again...only to be discouraged and let down. Again. I remember when it started to feel like it was changing. All my life I have had to be cautiously optimistic just for this reason. I had a bad feeling I was going to be "phased out". And after a month or so after getting that feeling...guess what happened? I got phased out. On "Administrative Professionals Day" the other two ladies in the office got flowers. Guess what I got? Yep...nothing. What a blatant slap in the face. Another friend of mine got to show of her beautiful...HUGE flowers...and I got to tell a story to them about how I'm never appreciated. The way I got phased out was epic. I got the choice to move to another department...but it turns out it really wasn't a choice at all. A little birdie told me soon after that if I hadn't accepted the other job I would have been fired. Now I'm left working with people 8 years younger than me and feeling like an idiot. Back where I started when I was 16. And the really hard part is there are other people that are the same age as me there that are LPN's. And what am I? Nothing. I don't even know what the abbreviations stand for that make up my "job title". I'm jealous, resentful, and angry and I hate the person I'm becoming. Every time I go into work and get asked "how are you doing"...I have to bite my tongue and say "OK"... when really I want to say "I hate my life...but other than that...I'm fine.

Alone

Today... I've never felt more alone in my life. Not because I wasn't surrounded by people...I was. I couldn't get out of my head today. I couldn't stop thinking about you...and what should have been. I should of been holding you for the first time today. I should have been nervous and excited as I held you for the first time...not knowing if you would grow up and like me or not. But I know you would have. I had the same feeling with Aidan. I remember holding him and him crying and not knowing what to do...thinking he didn't like me because he was crying. But eventually I was comfortable around him and he felt that...and we bonded. I remember thinking to myself...if I can feel THIS much love for my nephew...I can't even imagine how much I will feel for my own baby. And I'm still not sure what that will feel like...or if I will ever feel it. But I know I feel the same way about you...even though I never got to hold you as you were crying. I was still nervous the first time I held you. I feel so bad, now. I remember sitting in that cold, silent room waiting for your mommy and daddy to bring you in there so we could meet you. I remember going to the bathroom so many times...and saying to myself... I can do this...I have to be strong for my sister. I'm sad to say...but I was scared of you. I didn't know what you would look like, or how I would react. But you were perfect. I was shaking so bad. I remember everyone got to hold you and I kept edging backward. I don't remember who asked me if I wanted to hold you...but I remember I said...not yet. I was shaking so bad and I didn't want to drop you. I wish I would have said yes. I got to hold you later...when I was ready, but I never should have said no. Because that's all I want to do tonight...is hold you. And I don't know if this is normal or healthy to have this much pain for someone that's not my baby...because I feel guilty. Guilty and selfish. Mainly because it's all I can think about...all the things I don't get to do with you. I feel selfish because I feel sorry for myself. Don't get me wrong...I feel sorry for everyone right now. But everyone has somebody but me. I found this poem I wrote a few years ago as I was paging through an old journal...this is what I hold onto.

Psalm 46:10

¹⁰ "Be still, and know that I am God;





I Am...


Don't turn your back on me
Not even when all hope is shattered
When you are crying, in pain
I am there

I am there cradling your weak body
Filling it with hope
Giving you another day
Even when you're at the end of your rope

I will never stop loving you
Even when you are alone
Not sure of what tomorrow will bring
I am there whispering in your ear "the emptiness will soon be gone"

Don't ever give up on me
For I will always be there
Telling you "I love you" a million times
Wishing that you cared

And you can fall a thousand times
And then a thousand more
I will still be there at the bottom
Waiting to catch you and mend your core

I am the tears you cry
I am the reason you are here
I am the mountains you dream of
When all you have is fear

I am God when you are happy
I am God when you have lost hope
I am a God that will always love you
I will forever be your rescue boat

Donna 7/9/06

Word...

Getting phased out. It might seem like the "nice" way of doing things. But in reality I would rather the bandaid be ripped off fast. It's humiliating and disrespectful and shows that you have no class. I can do better...and will. Very soon. And you're welcome because you never even said Thank You.


"Worry compounds the futility of being trapped on a dead-end street. Thinking opens new avenues". Cullen Hightower

“The greatest humiliation in life, is to work hard on something from which you expect great appreciation, and then fail to get it”. Edgar Watson Howe

“Character is that which reveals moral purpose, exposing the class of things a man chooses or avoids”. Aristotle

I visited you today. I had a Dr's appointment and afterward realized I was right by you so I had to come see you. For some reason I got scared and nervous the closer I got. I know it sounds absurd, but I don’t want you to be alone. I realize it’s not really you there. You’re already gone. But I’m glad Grandpa and Grandma Finch are close by. It had to be fate that you landed up there, surrounded by people that will protect and love you like we would/do. I had to smile when I approached you. Maw maw’s beautiful flower cross that she picked out for you and was so proud of was there. But then I saw the little hole they had to dig for you. That tore my heart. I wanted to scream out that this wasn't fair. I’m glad no one was around because I cried so hard for you. All I can think about are things that I don’t get to see you do and how I want to hold you so bad.

Your mom had a great idea today. She asked me to take some of your flowers to where I work to give to some residents that don’t get visited much. A few weeks ago I saw one of the residents looking out the front door at the visitors that had come to see their loved ones. When she was wheeling away I saw tears in her eyes and my heart broke for her. I took one of your beautiful pink roses to her and she smiled so big. Also, I have gotten close to another woman and she has been in a lot of pain lately. I took a huge arrangement to her. She almost cried she was so happy. By the time dinner came around I think she told everyone in the nursing home about the flowers. Your love is touching people and that makes me so proud to call you my niece.

There's so much that I feel like I need to GET OUT of my head. Yes, it is making me not sleep, not be able to focus and not be "Donna". But that's not necessarily why I want to get it out. I'm usually a private person, but I feel like I need to share this with everyone. I don't want to ever forget this, or her. And I don't want anyone to not know she existed. Most of you know my sister Joey lost her precious baby Reagan last week, and had a c-section on June 2nd. Normally the first thing I would do is be angry with God. Granted, I am confused and have many questions for him...for some reason, I'm not angry. I was reading a mothers blog about losing her son to stillbirth at 40 weeks gestation and what she said hit me hard. She said something to the effect of it wasn't the worst day of her life because she got to hold her baby boy for the first time and meet him. That's kind of how I feel. Don't get me wrong, I'm immensely sad and wish so many things about her (but that's another post). I hurt for my sister Joey and my brother in law Chris, who are being incredibly strong and brave. I hurt for everyone that hurts and wish I could take their pain away and carry it myself so they didn't have to. But, I'm eternally grateful that I got to meet Reagan. I got to spend 3 hours with her. I got to hold her, touch her beautiful face, feel the bottom of her feet that felt softer than velvet, and take pictures of her that will last a lifetime. I never got to see her alive, but I will never forget her and the way she has impacted our family. Thank you, Reagan. One day I will get to see you again. I will get to hug you and tell you all the things that you heard up in Heaven that I didn't get to tell you face to face. That's what I hold on to and can't wait for.


"Some people only dream of Angels...but I got to hold one in my arms".

Because I'm Bored...

24

Last Saturday was my 24th Birthday. I had fun but in the back of my mind I was disappointed. I remember when I was younger and had a crazy time line type thing in my head. I remember Daren and I playing...we were maybe 10 or 11. We were talking about how it was so cool that in X amount of years we could drive (then it seemed a hundred years away), and then X amount of years and we could buy cigarettes(never did that), and college(I've taken so many classes ...I should have my doctorate degree)...and so forth. Last Saturday all I could think about was...I'm 24 years OLD and I have accomplished exactly zero in my life. I dream big things...then rarely follow through. This Isn't a pity post...just kind of an "ah-ha" moment that just happens to be depressing lol. I'm scared of failing and scared of succeeding. Is there a pill I can take for that?

“The size of your success is measured by the strength of your desire; the size of your dream; and how you handle disappointment along the way.”

---Robert Kiyosaki

Not much to say...just figured it was useless to have a blog if I don't "write" in it lol. Life has been pretty boring lately. A lot of wasted time on facebook, watching TV and too much time left over devoted to thinking. Thinking is overrated. Hopefully tonight will be a nice change of scenary...

"Gratitude on a daily basis means we express appreciation for what we have now without qualification for what we had in the past or desire in the future."-- Bishop Robert D. Hales

Even though I complain and don't always seem grateful...I am...

Stupid, Stupid, STUPID...

I can't really disclose everything in here b/c the world doesn't need to know my personal woes. For those of you that are around me a lot...you probably will know what I'm talking about. Just not the entirety of it. I'm disappointed/not happy with the outcome of something I did recently and am really kicking myself in the ass about it. I know if I didn't do it, I would be just as unhappy...so really...it's a double-edged sword. Also, it was an impulse and I should have thought about it longer.

Onto happier things...

I got to work today and they had a "schedule" made up for me. WTH? My hours got cut and I don't know what I'm going to do. I was already in the process of looking for a second job...but now I really need one. Really. If I told you how much money I owe right now...you wouldn't believe me. I'm contemplating taking the CNA course over the summer. At least I could make a little more money and have reliable hours. But I know I wouldn't be happy. Ugh. What to do...what to do?

Onto happier things...for real this time...

I'll be getting a baby niece some time in late June/early July...which is exciting. I can't wait to spoil her and love her! I just hope Aidan doesn't get jealous/resentful.

In the spirit of it being 3/16...

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."
– John 3:16

And let us pray that tomorrow is better than today...

Time (Continued)

I was going through some old poems on my lap top tonight and found some that reflected a lot of relevance to my last post. I rarely share poems that aren't ambiguous...so you should feel special. I've definitely realized that looking back hurts. I never realized the depth of some of the pain that I have felt in the past...I almost want to go back in time and shake the old me and tell myself that it's going to be alright...



Stuck


Putting myself in situations
Never learning from the past
Feeding my core with lies and toxins
Never letting the happiness last

These are the motions I go through
Coming at me like waves
They crash down hard on me
Making my chest heavy and concaved

The weight is a constant burden
And a reminder of all my mistakes
As the load gets heavier
I wonder how much more I can take

Another blurry night
Another morning filled with doubt
I have built this self-perpetuating hell
And I want to get out

But I don’t have the tools
And the work is so hard
It’s easier to take the easy way out
Rather than move forward

So the cycle will repeat
And time will stand still
In living in the past
I will live a life
Not lived at all

Donna
11/23/08



Untitled

The past is gone
but the memories stick
Im no longer the same person
Yet I revert to the old me quick

I go back to that time
when I was vulnerable and lost
with the eyes of a child
looking for acceptance at any cost

numbing any pain
with solitude and false love
never getting to the problem
always acting tough

putting up the barriers
knocking down myself
when the truth isn’t even enough
nothing is going to help

the present is hard
the past hurts
the future seems uncertain
And I don’t know which one is worse

11/2/06



Trapped

Paranoia runs ramped
Out into the streets
Where you gonna run to
When everyone leaves

The lights are off
But everybody’s home
Disengaged from reality
You’re all alone

The box gets smaller
You can no longer move
The links are severed
What else is there to lose?

You’re in a place so dark
That you forget about light
Everything is closed in
You’ve lost your sight

So caught up in the past
You’re forever ashamed
So caught up in the future
You’ll never change

Donna
6/2/05



Wash.Rinse.Repeat.

Never enough to suffice
No satisfaction to hold
Threw it all away
So detached, angry and cold

The burden burns the wounds
All packed with bitterness and lies
You crack me with your addiction
So presumptuous and alive

The temptation of the easy road
Repeats in my weak mind
Old habits never die
Positives and negatives eternally bind

The lesson never learned
The stove never too hot
The hole never deep enough
The times remembered not

Rewind to do it again
Better than the time before
Fall back into place where you were yesterday
What are you waiting for

Donna 6/23/05

...Time...

The Past, present, and future have been weighing on my shoulders a lot lately. Have I made the right choices in the past few months? If not, can I change things? Would that even make things different/better? Am I wasting my time thinking about things that probably don't matter as much as they seem to right now? I have so many questions...yet no solid answers. All I can do is search for the truth, something that feels tangible, something that holds value, integrity and self assurance...until then...I'm lost.




"Since time is the one immaterial object which we cannot influence--neither speed up nor slow down, add to nor diminish--it is an imponderably valuable gift.”
---Maya Angelou

“Slow down and enjoy life. It's not only the scenery you miss by going to fast - you also miss the sense of where you are going and why.”
---Eddie Cantor

"Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity. "
---Henry Van Dyke

“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”
---Steve Jobs

“You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future”

“Time heals what reason cannot”
---Seneca

For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.
---Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

"Events in our lives happen in a sequence in time, but in their significance to ourselves they find their own order the continuous thread of revelation."
---Eudora Welty

"Reality is a question of perspective; the further you get from the past, the more concrete and plausible it seems -- but as you approach the present, it inevitably seems incredible."
---Salman Rushdie

"It's a strange thing, but when you are dreading something, and would give anything to slow down time, it has a disobliging habit of speeding up."
---J.K. Rowling

"The time you think you're missing, misses you too."
---Ymber Delecto

"An unhurried sense of time is in itself a form of wealth."
---Bonnie Friedman

"If we take care of the moments, the years will take care of themselves. "
---Maria Edgeworth

"Regret for wasted time is more wasted time. "
---Mason Cooley

"Never let yesterday use up today."
--- Richard H. Nelson