Grief

Grief. One syllable. Easy to pronounce. Yet one of the hardest things a person can and will go through. Sometimes grief is silent, coming in the darkest hours of night or sitting in the back of our minds waiting to be provoked. Sometimes grief is loud. Like a rogue wave crashing on the beach violently...without warning. Grief leaves scars on our hearts that people can't see. We hide our grief because we are ashamed, scared, overwhelmed, defeated. Grief is like another language that no one else speaks. Lost in translation. Our own...like no other. We grieve for things we have done, things we won't do, things we wish we had done, things we missed out on, words we wished we had said, pictures we didn't take, moments taken for granted. We grieve for each other. And I grieve for you.

Bittersweet Summers

After the thaw of winter
and the rains of spring
the anticipation rises
but it’s a bittersweet thing

Yes, the flowers bloom
and the grass grows green and thick
Yes, the idea of summer is nice
but it goes away quick

Buried under the sunshine is sadness
and underneath that is hurt
summer means loss
then pile on even more hurt

With the warmth there was one hello
followed by one goodbye
then a few cherished photos
and a life time of “whys”

Summer is bitter
Summer is sweet
I will never wish summers away
but without you they feel incomplete

Donna Finch
4/21/2010

Update

I suck at updating this...but here goes. I'm hoping 2010 is a better year and am trying to let myself believe that maybe God is still on my side. I rang the new year in with a new position at work, sober and full of doubts. My new position (3rd...but who is counting? lol) is kind of hard...but rewarding. It's physically and emotionally exhausting, but someone has to do it. Honestly, ever since I wanted to get into the heath care field I always said I will NEVER be a CNA. CNA's are ass wipers, do bitch work and it's gross. But after I got hired almost 1.5 years ago, my perspective changed. These people are lonely, dependent, and they are PEOPLE.....they were once my age, once had a life, once could do everything for themselves. Now they need someone to help them and I am honored that I can do that for them. It might not be the most glamorous job...but when they hug me and tell me they love me...I know I'm doing the right thing and that this is the path that God lead me down for a reason. This isn't a long-term life plan of mine, but for the meantime I will do it and do it the best that I can. Which leads me to talk about school. On the 28th I take the entrance exam for nursing school...ahhh. I really hope I do good b/c I don't know how I will accept another letdown. So, maybe whisper a few prayers for me? I NEED to get in. Goodnight!

Always & Forever

I try and write about you
And nothing is ever good enough
I cry tears of so much sadness
And the pain never seems to let up

I think about you everyday
And remember feeling your warmth
I touched your velvety feet
And prayed to feel your un-beating heart

I have dreams where you’re alive
You’re beautiful and there are no goodbyes
I wake up feeling so happy
Then realize it’s all a cruel lie

I try to rationalize the situation
And am always left with more pain
I’m not sure why God did this
No reason ever sounds sane

And when people say everything happens for a reason
I get so much anger in my heart
I can’t think of one reason
Why God would keep us apart

But I know one day I will see you again
And this time it will be all smiles
I’ll get to know who you are
And the wait will be worthwhile

Donna Finch
12/18/09

Anger

In the past few years it seems like the anger I hold just keeps getting bigger and scarier. I hold so much anger that sometimes I don't even know how I function without breaking. It's not that "I'm going to break your fucking face" kind of angry. More like angry at life and the things I've had to go through. Even just saying that I feel guilty. Compared to a lot of people I have a pretty lush life. But it is MY anger and if I want to feel sorry for myself...I will. I'm not going to bring anyone else down but myself...so why not? I've written countless poems about ambiguous anger, blunt anger, sad anger...every form of anger. I hate that I have this much anger. I hate emotions, I hate showing them, and I hate feeling this weak. But in all honesty, I'm broken. Most days I wake up and I don't know who I am or who I want to be. I feel like I have to be present for people so I don't make them uncomfortable and so I don't have to explain anything. I try and listen to people when they talk to me but most of the time I'm somewhere else.

In the past few years I've lost a lot of people. Through death and through "losing touch" (such a corny phrase). And not all the kind of "good death". AKA lived a long life and were old. Aunt Gloria was brutally murdered and I didn't even get see what the color of my beautiful niece Reagans eyes were. Not fair. No first words, hugs, kisses, snuggling, no life at all. Just thoughts of what might have been...which are the cruelest thoughts of all.

And In regards to Reagan I've accumulated even more anger. Stupid anger that doesn't make any sense at all. I HATE IHOP. Wanna know why? Joey invited us to the ultrasound when we found out what Reagan was and afterward we went and ate IHOP. That should be a positive memory and I fucking hate IHOP now. I hate seeing the sign, commercials, anything about it. I hate going to every fucking store and going past isles and isles of racks that are infested with pink clothes. I hate my dreams that constantly have babies in them. I hate hearing about peoples babies. That one hurts me a lot. I should be happy for other people but in all reality I'm not. I don't wish their baby died but I don't want to hear about them, either.

I'm angry about being angry.

Hope is the thing with feathers...

Last October when I got hired on at my current job I was so excited! It felt like a "grown up" job and I got to go shopping and buy "dress up" clothes and it felt good. It felt like my life was turning around and I was finally catching a break. I felt important. All my life I've tried to do right and be nice, all the time. Smile through the anger. But what has it gotten me? Not much. I found out my job was a lie. Created out of convenience. Once again...knocked down on my ass again...only to be discouraged and let down. Again. I remember when it started to feel like it was changing. All my life I have had to be cautiously optimistic just for this reason. I had a bad feeling I was going to be "phased out". And after a month or so after getting that feeling...guess what happened? I got phased out. On "Administrative Professionals Day" the other two ladies in the office got flowers. Guess what I got? Yep...nothing. What a blatant slap in the face. Another friend of mine got to show of her beautiful...HUGE flowers...and I got to tell a story to them about how I'm never appreciated. The way I got phased out was epic. I got the choice to move to another department...but it turns out it really wasn't a choice at all. A little birdie told me soon after that if I hadn't accepted the other job I would have been fired. Now I'm left working with people 8 years younger than me and feeling like an idiot. Back where I started when I was 16. And the really hard part is there are other people that are the same age as me there that are LPN's. And what am I? Nothing. I don't even know what the abbreviations stand for that make up my "job title". I'm jealous, resentful, and angry and I hate the person I'm becoming. Every time I go into work and get asked "how are you doing"...I have to bite my tongue and say "OK"... when really I want to say "I hate my life...but other than that...I'm fine.

Alone

Today... I've never felt more alone in my life. Not because I wasn't surrounded by people...I was. I couldn't get out of my head today. I couldn't stop thinking about you...and what should have been. I should of been holding you for the first time today. I should have been nervous and excited as I held you for the first time...not knowing if you would grow up and like me or not. But I know you would have. I had the same feeling with Aidan. I remember holding him and him crying and not knowing what to do...thinking he didn't like me because he was crying. But eventually I was comfortable around him and he felt that...and we bonded. I remember thinking to myself...if I can feel THIS much love for my nephew...I can't even imagine how much I will feel for my own baby. And I'm still not sure what that will feel like...or if I will ever feel it. But I know I feel the same way about you...even though I never got to hold you as you were crying. I was still nervous the first time I held you. I feel so bad, now. I remember sitting in that cold, silent room waiting for your mommy and daddy to bring you in there so we could meet you. I remember going to the bathroom so many times...and saying to myself... I can do this...I have to be strong for my sister. I'm sad to say...but I was scared of you. I didn't know what you would look like, or how I would react. But you were perfect. I was shaking so bad. I remember everyone got to hold you and I kept edging backward. I don't remember who asked me if I wanted to hold you...but I remember I said...not yet. I was shaking so bad and I didn't want to drop you. I wish I would have said yes. I got to hold you later...when I was ready, but I never should have said no. Because that's all I want to do tonight...is hold you. And I don't know if this is normal or healthy to have this much pain for someone that's not my baby...because I feel guilty. Guilty and selfish. Mainly because it's all I can think about...all the things I don't get to do with you. I feel selfish because I feel sorry for myself. Don't get me wrong...I feel sorry for everyone right now. But everyone has somebody but me. I found this poem I wrote a few years ago as I was paging through an old journal...this is what I hold onto.

Psalm 46:10

¹⁰ "Be still, and know that I am God;





I Am...


Don't turn your back on me
Not even when all hope is shattered
When you are crying, in pain
I am there

I am there cradling your weak body
Filling it with hope
Giving you another day
Even when you're at the end of your rope

I will never stop loving you
Even when you are alone
Not sure of what tomorrow will bring
I am there whispering in your ear "the emptiness will soon be gone"

Don't ever give up on me
For I will always be there
Telling you "I love you" a million times
Wishing that you cared

And you can fall a thousand times
And then a thousand more
I will still be there at the bottom
Waiting to catch you and mend your core

I am the tears you cry
I am the reason you are here
I am the mountains you dream of
When all you have is fear

I am God when you are happy
I am God when you have lost hope
I am a God that will always love you
I will forever be your rescue boat

Donna 7/9/06